Saying Good Bye to Bad Friends

I am no saint. I am not perfect. But I know this. And I have a code. It evolves. It has changed. But it is my character and it is something that I know in instances where it needs to be defined. I try to adhere to my code.

One time, when I was living in New York, some friends from out of state came and visited the city. We decided to get together for drinks at the Standard Hotel where they were staying. We met at the rooftop pool. My friends were in town to party hard. And they were on a tear.

I remember a waitress coming up and asking us for our order. She was cute, but clearly just working. My friends were getting louder and pushing each other towards the pool, not quite but almost pushing each other in the pool.

The waitress came over again and chastised us, saying we needed to stop messing around or we would get kicked out. My friends weren’t having it, so they kept talking loudly, being patronizing to her, and acting rudely.

As the waitress walked away, she softly said “dumbasses”. One of my friends heard her and took offense. When she came back with our drinks, he told her “I heard you call us dumbasses. That was rude. I was drinking downstairs with your manager earlier. Tom? I’m going to tell him about you calling us dumbasses. Or you could apologize and bring some friends over to hang out after your shift. When do you get off?”

The waitress was surprised that he knew the GM’s name. She responded coyly. “Maybe we could. Maybe I will. We’ll see.”

I was surprised that my friend went there. Threatening her job and then coaxing her. I worked in retail at the time and had done service work. It wasn’t easy taking shit from customers. I said to him after she left “Dude, why did you do that? We were acting stupid over here.” He responded, “Dude, if she’s scared, then she’ll do things for me. It’s like taking her out on a boat. It’s scary out there, right? Who know’s what can happen?” He said it with a grin.

I left my “friends” at the bar shortly thereafter and haven’t crossed path’s much since. I have no interest in associating with people like that, people who use their power to manipulate and strong arm people. Men who use power over women to get them to do what they want.

I was raised by women most my life. I understand some of the power dynamics and imbalances that women have to endure to succeed, and still they succeed incredibly, given all the shit men out there who treat them poorly. I knew at that moment my dumb friends would likely end up alone that night, and I knew at that moment I also I had to say good bye. I’d take my chances with different people who treated people better. Regardless of our shared history, it was time to stay good bye.

I’ve done dumb things. I’ve made big mistakes. I’ve hurt people. But I rarely intended to hurt people. But I never tried to use power I may have had to get untoward attention or favors. My code is clear with how you treat people on that front. And I won’t associate with people like that.