Today it’s 4 years since my mom died. That is 4 years my sisters and I haven’t had either of our parents. In September, it’ll be 33 years without our dad.
Here are some thoughts around today.
1) I miss her unconditional love. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it was conditional. But over-arching those moments, she objectively loved all her children. And I miss that love in my life. She’s not around anymore to randomly tell me she loves me, or to tell me to be careful when I go on a trip, or to send me and my family little packages or letters. It makes me sad to know I won’t have that again for the rest of my life.
2) I have her last voicemail to me, and I listen to it sometimes. She called for my 38th birthday and told me how proud she was of me and how grateful she was when I was born. Her Texas accent comes through strongly in that voicemail. She was such a proud Texan woman, and I won’t hear her voice again unless it’s from that message. It’s the only recording I have. I’m grateful for it. I haven’t remembered my dad’s voice for decades.
3) She tied our family together, and now it’s up to us to stay connected, which is harder without her. I deeply love my sisters, and I’ve been close with them since our dad’s death, but nothing unites siblings like navigating a frustratingly opinionated parent. Even though she was politically polarizing, she had a way of keeping us united, at least against her. With her gone, and each of us kidded up, and each of us being at opposite corners of the country, it isn’t effortless to stay connected. It’s easy to focus on your own lives when you don’t have a parent connecting you anymore. Keep up relationships you value. Good family and good friends are worth everything.
4) Living in a single parent household from 9 until 17, God she was afraid often, and I understand why so much better now that I’m a parent and a caretaker. Parenting is constant and exhausting and there isn’t an instruction book for how to raise a successful child and a good person. It’s hard enough when you have a partner, let alone without one. I have the utmost respect for single parents. I am also privileged to have been raised by my mom and sisters. I saw that they had a different road to travel on than I did as a man. Though we had a messed-up childhood with a dad who died by suicide, eventually I realized how privileged I still was despite it. I still had so much! At the same time, I saw my sisters and my mom work incredibly hard to get where they got. The women in my life are bad asses. Most men I know couldn’t hold a candle. Most men I know were born closer to home plate and still tell themselves they earned it on their own. I’ll take the women I know on my team any day of the week and twice on Sundays, and I’ll say it to any guy’s face.
5) My mom was imperfect, but she was the mom I had, and I cherish her so much more than I did when she was alive. I appreciate now how hard it was and how she helped all of us become who we are today. We could have been really messed up. At times my mom could be mean, manipulative, closed minded, petty, stubborn. She could and would stir a pot. But she also could be loving, supportive, thoughtful, caring, kind, funny, and honest. To a fault too. I miss her more than I ever realized I would or could. And I am incredibly thankful for this life that she gave me. For any good in me, it’s because she loved me and because she helped me become a better man. She molded my character.
6) Don’t waste time. Don’t hold grudges towards your people. Fix what’s you can and move forward. Don’t carry weight that doesn’t serve you.
7) My mom would be proud of her kids. We’re doing well. Her grandkids are growing into beautiful little humans. Her family is safe and loved and well. I know she would be proud.
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